I enter the store on a mission, I have my list, I have my cart, I have an hour, lets rock and roll.
I nod at the store employee in bunny ears and make a left turn into...Pastel Hell. Row after row after row of bunnies, jelly beans, candies, toys, toys with candy, candy with toys, baskets, bags of grass, lollipops, massive bags of munchies...what in the hell has Easter become???
I start blindly walking down the aisles in awe. WOW! Look at all this crap, cause that's what most of it is. I hold up a stuffed Darth Vader in bunny ears holding a bag of jelly beans and look at it in horror. When the hell did George Lucas, Disney, Lego and Mattel get involved in Easter?!
I'm a Jew, not a very good one, but a Jew none the less. So, maybe Easter has been this way forever. Maybe Jesus was a sugar binger. I pull out my phone and call a girlfriend who knows about Easter, no answer. I call my man to ask him what I should choose, he gives me the "whatever you choose is going to be great" clause, which totally translates into "I'm so glad you are doing this cause I have no clue either" *sigh*
OK soldier...you are on your own!
If I can leap over fire, scale rope walls & swim in mud pits. I CAN DO THIS!
I consult my list.
First up, chocolate Easter bunnies. I find the 2 aisles dedicated to chocolate bunnies, I grab the first two I see, I throw them in the basket. DONE - NEXT ITEM! GO GO Go...ooooh they have DARK chocolate bunnies...ewwww or white chocolate bunnies...oooo marshmallow bunnies...OMG REESES PEANUT BUTTER BUNNIES THE SIZE OF A FOOTBALL! well there goes my soldier mentality....NO FOCUS! Breathe....the bunnies I got are fine, solid milk chocolate, the size of an android phone. Perfect. Carry on.
Next item up...Easter Baskets...screw lame old Easter baskets, what the hell are they good for other than easter, and who stores these things anyways...I grab 2 awesome Easter PAILS! HA! great for the beach, the backyard, the pool...GOOD JOB SOLDIER! NEXT!!!!
Last item...Candies/Small Toy. I turn into the last 3 aisles and have a sudden panic attack!!!! AAAAHHHHHHH.... you know the scene in The Shining with the little boy on the big wheel and he is at the end of a long hallway that seems to expand and never end??? Yeah...that's what this was...except all in soft pastels all that was missing was the creepy twin girls!
MAN UP! HEAD DOWN! SNIPER CRAWL IF YOU HAVE TO SOLDIER! I speed my way down the aisles grabbing at shiny objects like a magpie and get the hell out of there! I look at what I grabbed...Star Wars egg for each, bubble bath for each, Tootsie Roll bank (random), and pre-stuffed candy filled eggs to hide. WHEW! I made it...I'm done! I make my way to the register...start to crumple up my list...and there it is...in small handwriting...an afterthought...."Easter egg dye"
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Curiouser and Curiouser...
Thing I Avoided Like The Plague When I Was Single:
Things I Now Go Out of My Way to Seek Out Since Becoming A Mom:
- McDonald's especially the ones with Playgrounds in them
- Stores with Girls Scouts/Brownies in front of them (damn right, I used the FAR entrance)
- Any establishment with the words, Jammin, Castle, Playland, & E. Cheese in their name (do I need a comment?)
- Apartments near elementary schools (stupid ass soccer mom SUV's waiting in line to pick up their litters blocking my driveway!!!!)
- Parks with playgrounds in it (kids have a scream that only a deaf mute can enjoy)
- Foods that say 'eggo or "it's the cheesiest" or "comes in fun shapes!" any where on it (yes, you stupid blue box of crack, I am talking about you!)
Things I Now Go Out of My Way to Seek Out Since Becoming A Mom:
- McDonald's ESPECIALLY the ones with the playgrounds in them
- I am NOW outside that store with my Brownie (BITCH - I saw you go in the far entrance, you BETTER be buying a box of thin mints on your way out!)
- Jumpin Jammin, Kids Castle, Peek a Boo Playland & Chuck E. Cheese (are now part of my choices of how to spend a Saturday Afternoon!)
- I live 3 blocks away from the elementary school they go to and thank god for that! (stupid ass soccer mom SUV''s waiting in line to pick up their litters still piss me off, but I have a back way!)
- Parks with playgrounds (the bigger the better, I can make them do longer obstacle courses to tire them out!)
- I currently have 2 boxes of 'eggo wafflers, 8 boxes of Kraft Mac N Cheese & 5 cans of Campbell's Princess Shaped Chicken Noodle Soup in my cupboards (have you ever tried to make a box of Kraft Mac N Cheese and NOT taken a bite? WTH is in that BLUE BOX?!?!)
Monday, March 19, 2012
Let's Do The Time Warp Again...
In my Saturday morning spin class we were climbing a hill...up in third position (standing), tension to the max, my eyes closed...i try to breath, go...go...go....awwww I remember this song...."Lips Like Sugar....Sugar Kisses...
I am immediately back in sophomore year high school...school dance, this song starts playing, our gazes meet across the dance floor, we smile, we walk that slow motion walk, my hands land softly on his shoulder, we start to dance and the song ends!!!! What was that...the radio edit edited version???
Time warp to now....
HOLYFUCKINGSHIT! HOWLONGISTHISSONG!!! Did he pick the "Stairway To Heaven" version? I'M DYING...I literally am sucking wind, wanting to punch my instructor in the face, can't hold on...this is FOREVER!!!!! Finally the song ends...I am on an endorphin high...and it hits me! Time Warps DO exist!
This soooo didn't happen to me when I was single...is this some weird thing that happens when you become a mom? Seriously...WTH!
Example 1:
Watching an hour long episode of Phineas & Ferb all of us curled up on the couch...MILLISECOND! What do you mean that was an hour!!!
In an hour long spin class..ETERNITY! That was SOOOO longer than 60 minutes, I don't care what that clock says!
Example 2:
Playing Connect Four with the most awesome 5 year old - umm, ok, who messed with my phone, that was NOT 30 minutes.
That same 5 year old screeching in his room because he didn't listen again....FOR...EV...ER!!! and now I'm deaf too!
Example 3:
The hours between 11 pm - 5:45am. NO...that CAN'T be my alarm...I just got INTO bed 10 minutes ago!!!
The 60 minutes between 2pm-3pm. What the hell...did I murder someone...sheesh! I am doing time!
I'm sure you other moms have other examples too!
How does one call NASA, or JPL, or Cyberdyne...okay..maybe not Cyberdyne, I don't need to activate Skynet! How do I contact Dr. Frank N. Furter to discuss his findings?
Can I reverse these time warps and make the bad last seconds and the good last for days?
Very serious questions from a Sudden Mother, but until then....
It's Just A Jump To The Left...
I am immediately back in sophomore year high school...school dance, this song starts playing, our gazes meet across the dance floor, we smile, we walk that slow motion walk, my hands land softly on his shoulder, we start to dance and the song ends!!!! What was that...the radio edit edited version???
Time warp to now....
HOLYFUCKINGSHIT! HOWLONGISTHISSONG!!! Did he pick the "Stairway To Heaven" version? I'M DYING...I literally am sucking wind, wanting to punch my instructor in the face, can't hold on...this is FOREVER!!!!! Finally the song ends...I am on an endorphin high...and it hits me! Time Warps DO exist!
This soooo didn't happen to me when I was single...is this some weird thing that happens when you become a mom? Seriously...WTH!
Example 1:
Watching an hour long episode of Phineas & Ferb all of us curled up on the couch...MILLISECOND! What do you mean that was an hour!!!
In an hour long spin class..ETERNITY! That was SOOOO longer than 60 minutes, I don't care what that clock says!
Example 2:
Playing Connect Four with the most awesome 5 year old - umm, ok, who messed with my phone, that was NOT 30 minutes.
That same 5 year old screeching in his room because he didn't listen again....FOR...EV...ER!!! and now I'm deaf too!
Example 3:
The hours between 11 pm - 5:45am. NO...that CAN'T be my alarm...I just got INTO bed 10 minutes ago!!!
The 60 minutes between 2pm-3pm. What the hell...did I murder someone...sheesh! I am doing time!
I'm sure you other moms have other examples too!
How does one call NASA, or JPL, or Cyberdyne...okay..maybe not Cyberdyne, I don't need to activate Skynet! How do I contact Dr. Frank N. Furter to discuss his findings?
Can I reverse these time warps and make the bad last seconds and the good last for days?
Very serious questions from a Sudden Mother, but until then....
It's Just A Jump To The Left...
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Thats ROCKER mom, not SOCCER mom...
I am a tattooed, toe-ringed, pierced goddess.
I work out everyday so I can wear skinny jeans and not "mom" jeans.
I bring home my portion of the bacon...and fry it up in a pan
I play with my kids at the playground, not just supervise them.
I jump into swimming pools fully clothed in the summer to amuse them.
I know the words to every Phineas and Ferb song and sing them even when the kids are not in the car.
I can quote Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Monty Python...AND While You Were Sleeping.
I know Victoria's Secret (it's really about the shoes, not the bras).
I play Call of Duty and Go Fish.
I enter Extreme Adventure Races and sign death waivers.
I get mani-pedi's and visit "Rio" on a monthly basis for me time.
I can transform a level 3 transformer (OK, the 5yr old helps...a lot)
I drive a toaster not an SUV.
I can put out the trash and haul 10 bags of groceries in at once in platforms.
I have an exit plan for my family when the zombie apocalypse happens.
I love my family and will go honey badger on your ass if you wrong them.
So the next time you assume I am just your average punk, goth, suicide-girl...think again...
I'm a Rocker Mom, not a Soccer Mom
I work out everyday so I can wear skinny jeans and not "mom" jeans.
I bring home my portion of the bacon...and fry it up in a pan
I play with my kids at the playground, not just supervise them.
I jump into swimming pools fully clothed in the summer to amuse them.
I know the words to every Phineas and Ferb song and sing them even when the kids are not in the car.
I can quote Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Monty Python...AND While You Were Sleeping.
I know Victoria's Secret (it's really about the shoes, not the bras).
I play Call of Duty and Go Fish.
I enter Extreme Adventure Races and sign death waivers.
I get mani-pedi's and visit "Rio" on a monthly basis for me time.
I can transform a level 3 transformer (OK, the 5yr old helps...a lot)
I drive a toaster not an SUV.
I can put out the trash and haul 10 bags of groceries in at once in platforms.
I have an exit plan for my family when the zombie apocalypse happens.
I love my family and will go honey badger on your ass if you wrong them.
So the next time you assume I am just your average punk, goth, suicide-girl...think again...
I'm a Rocker Mom, not a Soccer Mom
Thursday, March 8, 2012
It Takes A Village
Cliche...yes I know. But there really is something true about the ancient African proverb.
I was chatting with a friend of mine who just had his 2nd child and both of us were non coffee drinkers before kids and now find ourselves on a first name basis with our local baristas. We were reveling in how in the hell we were both so busy and how did our parents do it?
My parents need a medal for what I put them through let alone adding my 2 younger siblings!
So I thought I would try to break it down and yes, I know this is a generalization (but hey this is my blog and you can suck it if you don't like it):
When our grandparents were born. The death ratio among infants/children was high (morbid, yes, but true) so they had as many kids as possible. They were raised in conjunction with other family members that lived in the same house and each child helped raise the next. BAM! There is your village.
Our parents were raised with the same mentality, health care was getting better, but again large families were the in thing. The older children raised the younger ones or worked on the family farm or business. Relatives lived either next door, above, below or down the street all close by to help out. FWA-POW! There is your village.
Next, with us it became a little different. Our parents said HELL TO THE NO on the large family, they saw, felt and lived the affects of that life. They wanted calm, small families. Hell, what they really wanted was the ability to take a shower or a shit in relative peace! So...when we were old enough...we were fed breakfast, booted out the door and told to come home when it got dark. We would travel in packs around our hoods, stopping from time to time at each others houses to get drinks or food. Each house taking a turn. GAZINGA! There is your Lord-Of-The Flies-Village.
And now it's our children's turn. We live in a progressive, modern, luxurious technologically run world. Our homes are filled with cell phones, tablets, flat panels, computers, game consoles. Ummm, wait...where are the other people. If you want your kid to play with someone, you have to make an appointment and possibly fill out paperwork. Kids have busier schedules than the friggin Pope! Each appointment, play date, girl scout meeting, soccer practice, etc. they need to be shuttled, monitored, watched, coached and at times hurried on to the next gig. When they do have down time, is it spent outside? If you don't have a back yard...EFF NO! They are sat down in front of whatever glossy electronic panel of their choice, handed a remote, joystick or keyboard and left on their own. WE ARE MISSING OUR VILLAGE!!!! Unless we consider Apple, Sony, Samsung, Microsoft, DirectTV among others our village most of us are shit out of luck! We have isolated ourselves so much by being so connected by technology! No wonder most of us are frazzled, stressed and bitchy! (yeah, that last one was aimed at you, psycho soccer mom in the SUV at Trader Joes!)
For a lucky few of us...we have our village, it may consist of one or two people...but that's enough.
Thank god I have an ace in my pocket, a guardian angel, a pot of gold under my rainbow - Grandma! This women, who I am not even related to by blood or marriage but feel we have the bonds of strength in girl power and the will of survivors. This woman is at my house at the crack of dawn, rain or shine so I can go to work, she picks them up, helps with home-work and even cleans our microwave. I know some of you swearing at me and calling me names that only sailors would utter. I agree, I would call me that too.
I am truly, amazingly lucky to have this woman in my village. And I dedicate this post to her and thank her from the bottom of my caffeinated heart. Your guidance and insight into your grandchildren have helped me immensely and let me discover my inner mom!
I was chatting with a friend of mine who just had his 2nd child and both of us were non coffee drinkers before kids and now find ourselves on a first name basis with our local baristas. We were reveling in how in the hell we were both so busy and how did our parents do it?
My parents need a medal for what I put them through let alone adding my 2 younger siblings!
So I thought I would try to break it down and yes, I know this is a generalization (but hey this is my blog and you can suck it if you don't like it):
When our grandparents were born. The death ratio among infants/children was high (morbid, yes, but true) so they had as many kids as possible. They were raised in conjunction with other family members that lived in the same house and each child helped raise the next. BAM! There is your village.
Our parents were raised with the same mentality, health care was getting better, but again large families were the in thing. The older children raised the younger ones or worked on the family farm or business. Relatives lived either next door, above, below or down the street all close by to help out. FWA-POW! There is your village.
Next, with us it became a little different. Our parents said HELL TO THE NO on the large family, they saw, felt and lived the affects of that life. They wanted calm, small families. Hell, what they really wanted was the ability to take a shower or a shit in relative peace! So...when we were old enough...we were fed breakfast, booted out the door and told to come home when it got dark. We would travel in packs around our hoods, stopping from time to time at each others houses to get drinks or food. Each house taking a turn. GAZINGA! There is your Lord-Of-The Flies-Village.
And now it's our children's turn. We live in a progressive, modern, luxurious technologically run world. Our homes are filled with cell phones, tablets, flat panels, computers, game consoles. Ummm, wait...where are the other people. If you want your kid to play with someone, you have to make an appointment and possibly fill out paperwork. Kids have busier schedules than the friggin Pope! Each appointment, play date, girl scout meeting, soccer practice, etc. they need to be shuttled, monitored, watched, coached and at times hurried on to the next gig. When they do have down time, is it spent outside? If you don't have a back yard...EFF NO! They are sat down in front of whatever glossy electronic panel of their choice, handed a remote, joystick or keyboard and left on their own. WE ARE MISSING OUR VILLAGE!!!! Unless we consider Apple, Sony, Samsung, Microsoft, DirectTV among others our village most of us are shit out of luck! We have isolated ourselves so much by being so connected by technology! No wonder most of us are frazzled, stressed and bitchy! (yeah, that last one was aimed at you, psycho soccer mom in the SUV at Trader Joes!)
For a lucky few of us...we have our village, it may consist of one or two people...but that's enough.
Thank god I have an ace in my pocket, a guardian angel, a pot of gold under my rainbow - Grandma! This women, who I am not even related to by blood or marriage but feel we have the bonds of strength in girl power and the will of survivors. This woman is at my house at the crack of dawn, rain or shine so I can go to work, she picks them up, helps with home-work and even cleans our microwave. I know some of you swearing at me and calling me names that only sailors would utter. I agree, I would call me that too.
I am truly, amazingly lucky to have this woman in my village. And I dedicate this post to her and thank her from the bottom of my caffeinated heart. Your guidance and insight into your grandchildren have helped me immensely and let me discover my inner mom!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Ma'am Can I See Your I.D.?
So, now the man is sick...GREAT WONDERFUL FANTASTIC!
I swear if we all have a healthy day I am going to throw a party.
Anyway....picking up some Sniffing, Sneezing, Aching, Coughing, How The Hell Did I End Up On My Kitchen Floor meds (I am a rock star when it comes to adult meds!). I also pick up some more cough syrup for the kids and go to the self-check out counter.
Zip, Zip, Zap, run my Rewards Card through, and the machine freaks! Red lights go off, the display says an Attendant Is Needed. Really? Come On...this should have taken me a minute....
The "Attendant" comes over, inserts her "magical override card" pauses, looks at me and asks
"Can I see your id?"
I peak into my bag, did I subconsciously scan a 5th of Jack and put it in my bag? Nope --too bad, cause now I am thinking about it.
"Sure," I reply somewhat confused "Can I ask why?"
"Oh sure hon, the combination of what you bought makes it a controlled substance and is regulated by the FDA and you have to be over 18 to buy it"
"NO WAY!" replying with a bit too much enthusiasm "can I make meth with this or something?" again said a little to happily for her tastes
She arches her brow, sniffs and says, "Well hon, I'm sure I don't know. Have a good day"
I walk out, swinging my purchase thinking, somewhere, under a corn field in an underground bunker computer lab I am now being labeled a "cook" and have been added to a watch list.
COOL!!!!
Hey, I gotta get my kicks somewhere right?
I swear if we all have a healthy day I am going to throw a party.
Anyway....picking up some Sniffing, Sneezing, Aching, Coughing, How The Hell Did I End Up On My Kitchen Floor meds (I am a rock star when it comes to adult meds!). I also pick up some more cough syrup for the kids and go to the self-check out counter.
Zip, Zip, Zap, run my Rewards Card through, and the machine freaks! Red lights go off, the display says an Attendant Is Needed. Really? Come On...this should have taken me a minute....
The "Attendant" comes over, inserts her "magical override card" pauses, looks at me and asks
"Can I see your id?"
I peak into my bag, did I subconsciously scan a 5th of Jack and put it in my bag? Nope --too bad, cause now I am thinking about it.
"Sure," I reply somewhat confused "Can I ask why?"
"Oh sure hon, the combination of what you bought makes it a controlled substance and is regulated by the FDA and you have to be over 18 to buy it"
"NO WAY!" replying with a bit too much enthusiasm "can I make meth with this or something?" again said a little to happily for her tastes
She arches her brow, sniffs and says, "Well hon, I'm sure I don't know. Have a good day"
I walk out, swinging my purchase thinking, somewhere, under a corn field in an underground bunker computer lab I am now being labeled a "cook" and have been added to a watch list.
COOL!!!!
Hey, I gotta get my kicks somewhere right?
Friday, March 2, 2012
Drowsiness May Occur...
Well the 5 year old was having so much fun being sick, the 7 year old wanted in on the action. Night after night, horrible coughing and no sleep --for anyone. Contemplating starting her on the 5 year olds anti-biotics or Nyquil --hey we all need sleep! I had visions of bronchitis, pneumonia or something horrible being the culprit.
Her diagnosis...allergies. Are you freaking kidding me...ALLERGIES? NO WAY NO HOW! Doc, can you give me your personal phone number so when I am up at 3am with a 7 year old waif hacking away, and spitting out smurfs the size of Katy Perry I can "consult" with you that this is INDEED allergies?
I was hoping for a miracle potion a la Harry Potter, "give her this and she will sleep soundly all night through and wake up feeling refreshed and completely cured!" No such luck, she prescribed some plain old nose spray and some MORE over the counter allergy stuff, that of course we didn't already have -- Thank god Grandma picked up the prescription and researched the allergy stuff for me, I knew exactly what to get! HUZAHH, I am ahead of the game this time!
I walk in confident, pick up the bottle, do a self assured hair toss and read the dosage, blah blah, blah...
Glance at the warnings as I turn to head the the regis....SCREEEEEEECHHH!! WHOA! Back that truck up... I look at the bottle "Children's Name Brand Inserted Here" All Day Allergy. Incredulously, I go back to the warnings...
When using this product:
Well I'm glad you think so lady.
*sigh* I still have alot to learn!
Her diagnosis...allergies. Are you freaking kidding me...ALLERGIES? NO WAY NO HOW! Doc, can you give me your personal phone number so when I am up at 3am with a 7 year old waif hacking away, and spitting out smurfs the size of Katy Perry I can "consult" with you that this is INDEED allergies?
I was hoping for a miracle potion a la Harry Potter, "give her this and she will sleep soundly all night through and wake up feeling refreshed and completely cured!" No such luck, she prescribed some plain old nose spray and some MORE over the counter allergy stuff, that of course we didn't already have -- Thank god Grandma picked up the prescription and researched the allergy stuff for me, I knew exactly what to get! HUZAHH, I am ahead of the game this time!
I walk in confident, pick up the bottle, do a self assured hair toss and read the dosage, blah blah, blah...
Glance at the warnings as I turn to head the the regis....SCREEEEEEECHHH!! WHOA! Back that truck up... I look at the bottle "Children's Name Brand Inserted Here" All Day Allergy. Incredulously, I go back to the warnings...
When using this product:
- Drowsiness may occur - lord I hope so, I think all of us will do shots of this stuff tonight!
- Avoid Alcoholic Drinks - ummm, who are they talking to...Drew Barrymore when she was in E.T.?!!!
- Alcohol, sedatives, and tranquilizers may increase drowsiness - am I supposed to give her this with a Mai Tai something?
- Be careful when driving a motor vehicle or operating machinery - I don't know what kind of motor vehicles or machinery your 2nd grader is using, I was under the impression the heaviest thing they were operating was a #2 pencil!
Well I'm glad you think so lady.
*sigh* I still have alot to learn!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)