Did Jesus Have Diabetes?

I enter the store on a mission, I have my list, I have my cart, I have an hour, lets rock and roll.

I nod at the store employee in bunny ears and make a left turn into...Pastel Hell.  Row after row after row of bunnies, jelly beans, candies, toys, toys with candy, candy with toys, baskets, bags of grass, lollipops, massive bags of munchies...what in the hell has Easter become???

I start blindly walking down the aisles in awe.  WOW! Look at all this crap, cause that's what most of it is.  I hold up a stuffed Darth Vader in bunny ears holding a bag of jelly beans and look at it in horror.  When the hell did George Lucas, Disney, Lego and Mattel get involved in Easter?!

I'm a Jew, not a very good one, but a Jew none the less.  So, maybe Easter has been this way forever.  Maybe Jesus was a sugar binger. I pull out my phone and call a girlfriend who knows about Easter, no answer.  I call my man to ask him what I should choose, he gives me the "whatever you choose is going to be great" clause, which totally translates into "I'm so glad you are doing this cause I have no clue either" *sigh* 

OK soldier...you are on your own!

If I can leap over fire, scale rope walls & swim in mud pits.  I CAN DO THIS!

I consult my list.

First up, chocolate Easter bunnies.  I find the 2 aisles dedicated to chocolate bunnies, I grab the first two I see, I throw them in the basket.  DONE - NEXT ITEM! GO GO Go...ooooh they have DARK chocolate bunnies...ewwww or white chocolate bunnies...oooo marshmallow bunnies...OMG REESES PEANUT BUTTER BUNNIES THE SIZE OF A FOOTBALL! well there goes my soldier mentality....NO FOCUS! Breathe....the bunnies I got are fine, solid milk chocolate, the size of  an android phone. Perfect. Carry on.

Next item up...Easter Baskets...screw lame old Easter baskets, what the hell are they good for other than easter, and who stores these things anyways...I grab 2 awesome Easter PAILS!  HA! great for the beach, the backyard, the pool...GOOD JOB SOLDIER!  NEXT!!!!

Last item...Candies/Small Toy. I turn into the last 3 aisles and have a sudden panic attack!!!! AAAAHHHHHHH.... you know the scene in The Shining with the little boy on the big wheel and he is at the end of a long hallway that seems to expand and never end???  Yeah...that's what this was...except all in soft pastels all that was missing was the creepy twin girls!

 MAN UP!  HEAD DOWN!  SNIPER CRAWL IF YOU HAVE TO SOLDIER!    I speed my way down the aisles grabbing at shiny objects like a magpie and get the hell out of there!  I look at what I grabbed...Star Wars egg for each, bubble bath for each, Tootsie Roll bank (random), and pre-stuffed candy filled eggs to hide.  WHEW! I made it...I'm done!  I make my way to the register...start to crumple up my list...and there it is...in small handwriting...an afterthought...."Easter egg dye"

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!